my testimony

my youth pastor always asks us, "what does Jesus mean to you?" so, here is what Jesus means to me. here is my story.

i was only a baby when my parents divorced, so it didn't affect me all that much. i lived with my mom and went to my dad's every other weekend, and that was my life. both parents were equally important to me. it wasn't the kind of relationship where i resented one parent because of the divorce; i loved them both the same.

several years later, my father started dating a new girl and had a son with her (my half-brother).

soon after, he remarried to another woman, who had a daughter already (my step-sister), and then had another son with her (my other half-brother). this left me being the oldest of four kids, all of which have different parents. i never realized it at the time (because i'm the kind of person who avoids problems and acts like everything is okay), but looking back now i realize that i always felt like just "another kid". i didn't have the same mother as any of my siblings on my dad's side, which made me feel somewhat left out when i was with them. from the very beginning, i was feeling like i had to fight for my father's attention since he had three other kids to look after and parent.

anyways, at my mom's house we didn't attend church. but at my dad's, we went to church and my mamaw (dad's mom) held bible studies for my siblings and i. this is when i was first introduced to christianity and really called myself a christian.

flash forward to middle school, i am still feeling like i have to fight for my dad's attention. i mean, he has three other childrens' sporting events and school activities to attend, plus i didn't even live with him all the time like the others did, so i just assumed my events would come last on his schedule. (don't get me wrong, my dad came to A LOT of events for me when i was younger. i just mean i was feeling like he wouldn't and like i was bothering him with my life). but as i got older, he slowly stopped coming to stuff and stopped asking me to come over to his house to stay. also i wasn't attending church anywhere because i wasn't going to his house. so that was me. a bother. a side note on the schedule. but i thought that maybe, just maybe, one day i wouldn't feel this way anymore.

i remember it so clearly. my dad had called my mom one night and asked to talk to me. i thought he was going to talk about when he was picking me up next, or that he wanted to come get me to go somewhere. but, no. he called me to ask if i would be alright with him moving to texas for a job offer. "TEXAS?" "yes, texas." "dad, how will you ever see me?" "well... that's the thing. i will only be home about once every three months. but i will make so much more money!! enough money to buy you a car when you turn sixteen, enough money to completely cover the expenses of college when you go." "dad... i won't ever see you. you don't need more money. i don't need a car and i can pay for college." "cass, i have to take this offer. i have four kids to take care of." and that was basically it. i only saw him a few times before he left when i was in seventh grade. this devastated me. i already wasn't seeing my dad as much as i'd like, and now he was leaving simply for money and a better job. money isn't everything in life, right? because of the absence of my father i threw myself at other boys to fill the void. i had about five "boyfriends" in seventh and eighth grade. i say "boyfriends" because i wasn't even really allowed to have a boyfriend, and i only hung out with two of them outside of school. but still, i was looking for someone to fill the gap that my dad had left in my heart.

the summer of my eighth grade year, i broke up with boyfriend number five. because you gotta leave before you get left, am i right? (yeah that was my fourteen year old logic after my dad, some friends, and some boyfriends left me). anyways, after this break up i was texting another guy (wow already?!? yeah i know). and this is a little how our conversation went.

me: "hey, wyd?"

him: "hey! i'm leaving church wbu?"

me: "you go to church? where?"

him: "crossroads christian church. it's awesome!!!"

me: "can i come? will they let me come there?"

him: "yes! come on sunday!"

so that sunday, i went. because i really missed church and all through middle school the only church i was getting was when i read my bible in my room once every four months or so. i had my mom drop me off at church and let me just say, i loved it. about two weeks after i started attending i went to a camp called CIY MOVE. that camp totally opened up my eyes and made me realize the bigger picture in this life.

this life and this world are just that, in this world. i have a God who loves me, who sees me, who looks after me, who provides for me, who never abandons me, who is my Father. i may not have an earthly father who is present in my life, but my heavenly father, oh my my. He is SO present in my life. i see Him every single day, talk to Him every single day, listen to Him every single day, and thank Him every single day. my heavenly father is kind and so worthy of my praise. i can't even count all of the times that my heavenly father has saved me and helped me. matthew 6:26 says, "look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly father feeds them. are you not much more valuable than they are?" if God cares for even the birds of the sky, what would make me think that God doesn't care for me? He is the ultimate helper. 2 corinthians 6:18 says, "i will be a father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord." that verse literally gives me goose bumps. the same God who created the earth and stretched out the skies of the heavens and spoke light into existence and moved mountains says that he will be a father to ME, the girl who felt lost because her earthly father left her. He is the ultimate father.

i have seen my dad only twice or three times since i've been in high school, and the old me would not be okay with that. the old me would be torn apart and would have probably had way more boyfriends than i have. the old me would definitely not be where i am today. i finally learned that filling the void my dad left can't be solved with other guys. instead of throwing myself at them, i should be throwing myself at Jesus. over the years of high school, my faith has increased more and more. my freshman year, i was starting to feel like a true christian again, but i knew there had to be more. i wanted so badly to get baptized but that is a huge step and being in front of the whole church? no way! so, i figured i would just wait or get baptized with just my family around when i felt the time was right.

one night during the february of 2016, my mom came and woke me up in the middle of the night. she was panicking and i could tell she had been crying. my clock read 1:22 am. okay, so something is definitely wrong. "cass, come out into the living room." "what? why?" "please just come. i need to tell you and your brother this together." i began to cry because i knew something bad had happened and i was so freaked out. my step-dad and mom were standing in front of me and my brother as we sat on the couch. this was probably the most nerve wracking moment of my entire life. then my mom said, "....grandma donna passed away. my mom passed away...." and started sobbing. i don't even remember what happened after that because i sort of blacked out. how could this happen? i just talked to her on the phone the night before! she is only fifty eight years old. nothing was even wrong with her health. HOW. COULD. THIS. BE. HAPPENING.

the next morning, i told my family that we needed to go to the church to tell pastor todd. he would know what to do (which he did). he told me he was so proud of me for coming straight to the church and bringing my family, who did not attend church, but i told him i didn't know what else to do. i had to bring this to God, because that is all i know to do. this story could go on forever, but what had happened was the night before, she wasn't feeling well and went to the doctor's office. they told her nothing was wrong, just the flu, and sent her home with some medication. well actually, her lungs were filled with liquid and she suffocated in her sleep. she should have been sent to the hospital immediately, but the doctor sent her home. if the doctor had only cared about his patient a little more and truly figured out what was wrong, my grandma would still be here today. yeah... takes awhile for that to sink in, trust me. it takes a lot of forgiveness to not hate that doctor and call him cursing at him and write a letter to him explaining that he killed my grandma. but God has forgiven me multiple times, so how could i NOT forgive this doctor? how could i not show him the grace that i have been given?

the death of my grandma taught me just how short life can be. we are not promised any days on this earth. after realizing this, i wanted to get baptized asap. i don't know when i will pass away, but i needed to make sure that i had the holy spirit in me and put my past behind me. i was baptized on april 3, 2016 in front of the whole church. because if you're gonna get baptized, it might as well be in front of everyone!! also, after the death of my grandma, my mom started attending church with me. God works in mysterious ways, man.

so back to the question "what does Jesus mean to you?" to me, Jesus is a father. to me, Jesus is forgiveness. Jesus is the father that i don't have on this earth. Jesus is the forgiveness when it is extremely hard for me to forgive. so now, instead of throwing myself at boys, i throw myself at Jesus. i want nothing more than to learn about Him, lead people to Him, and share His word. i have actually been tweeted at saying that i am "the Jesus freak who tries so hard to spread His word on every social media platform." which is the truth. the person tweeting that meant for it to be an insult, but i took it as the greatest compliment i've ever received. i want to spread His word. i want to be the salt and light of this earth, proclaiming how great my God is. and now i have over ten thousand followers on instagram who i get the privilege of sharing my faith with. i receive at least two direct messages each day asking for prayer or advice. i am so grateful for the social media platform i have been given and i seriously pray that people would come to know Jesus just by seeing my profile. so, this is my story. the story about how a lost and lonely young girl finds the light at the end of the tunnel. and that light is Jesus. Jesus is my everything, and i don't say that to sound cliche. i say that because without Jesus, i don't know where or who i would be. i am so thankful for the wounds that have pushed me towards God, because now i can stand and boldly say that i am living proof of a loving God.